How Many People Have I Had Sex With? A Not-So-Brief Analysis

asa 1/16/2017 4:00 PM

KFCRadio: Golden Showers

People always ask me how many people I’ve slept with in my lifetime. Like most women, I generally lie and give whatever number I think my suitor wants to hear – but when it came up on the last episode of KFCRADIO, I realized I legitimately didn’t have a real answer. Often, I joke “I know I’m a slut because my body count is a rough estimate,” but I’ll admit now that I don’t even have that – the number could be anywhere between 100 to 5,000 and I wouldn’t know. Not to slut shame myself or anything, but… I’m a little embarrassed. I mean, I should be able to ballpark a number like the amount of people I’ve had inside of me.

I decided to do the math once and for all. For the record, this list is comprised of men who have penetrated my vagina/asshole with their penis, and women who I’ve been to at least 3rd base with.

Age 13

Lost my virginity to a boy from my cousin’s school: 1
Fucked a boy in my grade and told him he was my first: 2
New Years eve, told another guy he was my first: 3

Age 14

A really hot senior: 4
Another kid in my grade: 5
Brief boyfriend, his dad was a cop: 6
His best friend: 7
Gross raver kid that I met at The Cube on St Marks Place (RIP), his house always smelled like Chinese food but he wasn’t Chinese: 8
Kid who had fucked Scarlett Johansen, he’s semi-famous now (wasn’t back then), we did Ketamine all weekend and I got my period all over his sheets: 9
Puerto Rican kid from summer school: 10
British guy who I dated for a month, pretty sure in hindsight that he was a pedophile: 11
First two girls I ever fingered and went down on, in the bathroom stall of a movie theater (it was a movie premiere, NSync was there): 12&13
Kid I fucked on a roof and then refused to give my number to, but then later in life ran into and dated for a year: 14

Ages 15 – 18

First Love: 15
In a (monogamous) relationship, so I was somewhat out of commission for a few years here, but I went to Japan to visit my grandma and did Speed all night with a childhood friend and we 69’d for hours before having sex for less than one minute: 16
Guy from my job at Barnes & Noble, another possible pedophile: 17
Very Rare! An NYC Scientologist: 18

Ages 19 – 20

Kid who had the same birthday as me, I thought this was a sign we were meant to be: 19
Gross loser that I always knew was a loser but he caught me at the right moment on the right amount of Ecstasy: 20
Bartender I had a crush on since I was 15: 21
First husband: 22
We did a LOT of drugs and fucked a LOT of people together. I’m just gonna say: 23 – 50
His friend: 51
My richest friend, very quietly as his girlfriend slept in the same room: 52

Age 21

Dominican guy from Roosevelt Island: 53
Radio guy: 54
Couple I lived with in Florida: 55 & 56
Girl I met at Bike Week in Myrtle Beach: 57
Guy I met at Bike Week in Myrtle Beach: 58
Fat promoter: 59
Weed dealer: 60
2 Childhood friends, my first time with two dudes, we had sex for -no joke- 9 hours, obviously on drugs: 61 & 62
Guy I went home from strip club with and then he became my boyfriend but ultimately he left me for another stripper from the same stripclub: 63
Very rich old dude: 64
Loser who still texts me every single holiday including Columbus Day: 65

Age 22

Last boyfriend I had before entering porn, on methadone now: 66
Gina Lynn, my first porn scene ever in Top Notch Bitches 4 (or was it 7?): 67
Her Husband, in my first boy/girl sex scene ever: 68

Ages 23 – 32

*** This is where I moved out to LA to pursue doing porn as a real career. The math becomes much, much more complicated here.

Porn Year 1:

Exclusively contracted to one company for first six months, in which time period I did six movies. Worked with 7 male performers: 69 – 76
During that contract, had a fuckbuddy situation with a director: 77
Once released from contract, worked on average 5x a week. Probably 2x a week w/ a male performer, 1x a week w/ a female performer, 1x a week alone (for masturbation scenes,) and 1x a week something else that didn’t involve full on sex, like a photoshoot or a signing event etc. In porn, we only have about 100 male performers (only about 10 of them being A-List, 20 total whom i work with on a regular basis,) so I will insert that 100 here, although to be accurate I probably didn’t work with a lot of them until later in my career. So for the female performers, 1(per week) x 6months = 24. 100(total of male performers from earlier) + 24 = 124: 201
I probably fucked a director or two in the bathroom of a porn set that year: 203

Porn Year 2:

Worked consistently 5x a week the entire year. Took no vacations nor boyfriends. Again, around 1 lesbian scene per week, and we’ve already counted the 100 total guys in the business. 1(per week)x 52 = 52: 255
Fuckbuddy, a Korean artist, probably the most famous person I’ve ever had sex with (he’s not that famous either): 256
Probably fucked a director or two in the bathroom: 258

Porn Year 3:

Worked 5x a week again, but took a few week-long vacations here and there. Let’s say this year I fucked 40 new female performers: 298
Got a boyfriend for a few months whose ass i fucked regularly with a strap on and I swore to everyone he was straight but then he ended up doing gay porn after we broke up. Still not sure if he’s gay though: 299
Tried escorting for the first time: 300
Tried escorting a second time, big fail – thought it would be my Pretty Woman moment and he’d be my Captian Save a Ho but it didn’t work out that way and I decided escorting was not my thing: 301
Probably fucked a director or two in the bathroom: 302

Porn Year 4:

Worked 5x a week consistently, took a couple vacations, let’s say 45 new female performers this year: 347
Probably fucked a director or two in the bathroom: 349

Porn Year 5:

Worked 5x a week consistently, took more vacations than ever before, probably only around 30 new female performers: 379
Got married again, but he’s already included in the 100 male performer total: 379
Fucked no directors in the bathroom (honest): 379

Porn Year 6:

Started directing, so only performed in my own scenes about 2x a week. Not even 1/2 of those were lesbian scenes, so probably only had sex with 2 new women a month. 2 x 12 = 24: 403

Porn Years 7 – 9:

Signed exclusive contract with Wicked Pictures, shooting 1 movie a month, so probably only 5 new women per year: 418

GRAND TOTAL: 418

I’m remembering now that I also claimed I’d never had a one night stand – and after careful review, I retract that statement. I never saw the New Years Eve guy from when I was 13 after that one night. To be honest, 418 seems a little underwhelming. But I’ve definitely, DEFINITELY left out a bunch of people that just aren’t popping into my head right now – so if I had sex with you, kindly leave your name/location/approximate year and I will add you to the list.